12:24 am. 

What am I truly passionate about? What are things that truly make up who I am today? Why is it so hard to figure out what you want to do for a career? 

 6:30 am I fall asleep, 2:30 I wake up and finally get going for the day. But then I am tired come 6:30pm. So I nap. I often don't sleep. My mind scrambled.

I want to support my wife. I want to support my family. I want to be happy. I want to do something I love. I want to be in the right place at the right time. I don't want to make it hard for my wife. She is amazing and am I doing enough for her. I'm hungry. Have I eaten enough food today? What if I choose a career that my wife doesn't like? 

And on, And on, And on. so I have to go to my happy place. I put my headphones in, and close my eyes. 

I've gotta keep the calm before the storm
I don't want less, I don't want more
Must bar the windows and the doors
To keep me safe, to keep me warm. 

Yeah, my life is what I'm fighting for 
Can't part the sea, cant reach the shore
and my voice becomes the driving force 
I won't let this pull me overboard

God, Keep my head above water
Don't let me drown, it gets harder 
Ill met you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees 
Don't let me drown, drown, drown, 
Don't let me, don't let me, don't let me drown

So pull me up from down below 
'Cause I'm underneath the below 
come dry me off and hold me close 
I need you now, I need you most

God, Keep my head above water

Don't let me drown, it gets harder 

Ill met you there at the altar

As I fall down to my knees 

Don't let me drown, drown, drown, 

Don't let me, don't let me, don't let me drown

Keep my head above water, above water

And I can't see in the stormy weather
I can't seem to keep it all together
And I, I can't swim the ocean like this forever
and I can't breathe

God, Keep my head above water 
I lose my breath at the bottom 
Come rescue me, Ill be waiting 
I'm too young to fall asleep. 

God, Keep my head above water 
Don't let me drown, It gets harder 
I'll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees 

Don't let me drown
Don't let me drown
Don't let me drown
Keep my head above water, above water. 

Don't tell me that I am the only one that feels like this. 

These questions sink deep into my soul. My mind races. I always wanted to succeed. I always wanted to accomplish things in my life. But why is it so hard to think I haven't. Why does thoughts of discouragement just come into my mind?

The halls of my mind full.  My heart Heavy. 

One Day

One day

One day someone will walk into your life and get it right. 

One day someone will walk into your life and You will realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

One day you won’t have to wait for the “right one.”

One day you won’t be the only one to try.

One day you won’t be the only one giving your 100%. 

One day you will finally meet someone who knows you better then yourself. 

One day you’ll finally meet someone who isn’t afraid to take another chance. 

One day you’ll finally meet someone you can trust and that trusts you. 

One day you’ll have your best friend, your biggest help and your teammate all wrapped up into one person. 

One day it will seem like your whole world got tossed upside down. 

One day you’ll have that person that hugs you so tight that all your broken pieces get put back. 

One day you’ll have someone that chooses you as much as you choose them.

One day you’ll love someone as much as I love someone. 

That’s when you’ll know you are home. 

How Can You say you Know me.

How can you say you know me.
When all you see is my skin,
And not the overgrown world inside,
Thats growing deep within.

How can you say you know me.
When all you see is my surface,
And not the unpleasant views inside,
Thats planted deep within.

How can you say you know me,
When all you see is my coating,
And not the ranging rapids,
That touchers deep within.

How can you say you know me
When all you see is my bark,
And not the overrun carnage
Thats buried deep within.

How can you say you know me
When all you see is my varnish
And not the indescribable pain,
That entombs deep within.

How can you say you know me
When all you see is my skin,
And not the overgrown world inside,
Thats growing deep within.

Your Happy Place

Your mind wanders as the night comes to a close. Your newly painted walls white as snow. A toothbrush in your mouth. Brush a little more and then write a little. Your mind takes you back to a memory. A memory talked about today. You tell her to finish the sentence.

"Remember that night..."

She continues: When we stayed late at work...
You: And time seemed to slow down.
Her: And all that mattered was us.
You: And when you looked at me I found myself falling deeper for you.
Her: And I found the safest place which was in your arms.
You: And I didn't want to let go, cause I knew if I did I would be longing for such an embrace.
Her: And eventually we would just to come back together.
You: 'Cause nothing can separate true love. And that love will last forever and always.
Her: And forever is worth it when it comes to us.
You: And nothing can separate us. Not even distance or time.
Her: And those stolen moments together help close the gap.
You: And through the storms of life, we learn everyday how to take them with faith and devotion to each other and God.
Her: Because even though we are separated physically, our spirits are stilled entertwined.

Pause. Take a breath. Think deeper into that moment. Much has been said concerning it. Pause. Take another breath. This time a little deeper. Feel her arms wrap around your waist and into a warm hug. Rest your chin on her head. OK now let that memory just sit there. That is your happy place.

Boom! Back into reality. Your companion sitting across the room. Now your mind taking you to Africa. Now to South Carolina. Now home. What is your head doing? Depression and anxiety fill your body. Pause.

...There...

Now relax. Your body is just getting tired. You're OK. Thinking about her helps all that depression and anxiety to subside. There... Close your eyes... Take a deep breath... You're going to be OK. Her words come into your head. "I love you".

Reposition for comfort. And continue writing.

Your words coming to an end.

Your mind wanders as the night comes to a close. Your newly painted walls white as snow. Toothbrush is out of your mouth now. Your mind takes you back to a memory. The memory of your happy place.

An Answer to prayers-Journal Entry March 14, 17

March 14 2017

Today I received an email from Maren. The Love of my life. She informed me that she wanted to give me space but still felt like emailing me. So in her email she talked about how she was sorry for doubting. And that she thinks the reason why I brought up possibly breaking up to allow her to get out more. She then told me that she has been feeling some opposition but has been praying about us. And during her FHE she received this answer:

"No no no don’t break up this is a moment that you too need to have to learn from to see the commitment that you have to each other. The tribulations we have are but a small moment in our lives and we can’t let it bog us down. This is a moment for us to learn more about each other and learn how to communicate. Trust me, remember what I’ve taught you in the past, but don’t end things between you two. That is not the path i want the two of you to take. Turn to each other and continue to turn me it will all be ok" (I wrote it all in my phone as it was coming to me so thats why the fonts weird"

Well I first was like well why has she received an answer so soon? And why not me? So I didn't know what do too. So I was sitting in the shower, I know a weird place, but I was just questioning God and was kinda feeling down about it because I hadn't got an answer. Well as I was sitting there. I looked on the wall is a scripture. And the scripture was found in 2nd Timothy verse 7, which reads a For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. What power peace came over my heart.

And then this song came on my Playlist.."He believes in You" by Gabrielle McKeon

The sound of your heart beat deep in your chest is proof enough that your worth has no end cause somebody made you and he wants you to know though it's been hard and you've come so far you can be so much more.

Chorus: He believes in you. Your future is bright. Cause he knows you'll do great things with your life. Hell take your hope and dreams and multiply them by two. Cause he believes, he believes in you.

You know what you want, and you think you know best. You plan out your life and take a couple steps. But when it's not working, you want to turn back. But you'll see firsthand that he has something planned. So much bigger then that.

Chorus

So having two witnesses that my life has been planned a d that I have been given the spirit of love and of a sound mind. I can officially say that God really does answer prayers. And that I now without doubt need Maren in my life. And I don't want her to go anywhere. We need to stay together cause we are meant to be something more. So much more then we can imagine. We both just need to carry out strong until the end.

March 6th midnight thoughts

When late nights become the norm because you can't sleep.
Maybe you're afraid to sleep because of the nightmares.
Maybe you're afraid to sleep cause you will never wake up.
Maybe you're afraid to sleep cause when you wake up you have to deal with the same pain over again. The pain of missing her.
But at the same time you hope when you eventually do fall asleep that the one you dream of is her.

So many miles away from her may in fact bring you closer.
Distance never has been a problem until you left her.
You may not be the only one that feels like your trapped in a cell.
You may not be the only one to just blast music to try to fall asleep.
When you wish you could just be with her all the time.

The darkness seems to be on your heels.
Opening your eyes seem to get harder at times.
When you look at the night sky but it's not enough.
You try to fight but you are just not strong enough.
You just want her here with you but you just feel alone.

You dont know what you are feeling.
Heaven on earth when you are with her.
The darkness is just chasing you down.
Your legs are just getting tired of running.
It's super easy to just give up, cause you can't find your way.

You don't even know what the song is supposed to be about anymore.
Pleading to not let it get it to you.
The darkness is just seeping through the seams.
You want to be different but you know you can't do it without her.
You body yearning for the one you love.

You imagine her sitting in Paris.
Her hair pulled back.
Her make up on.
Her hand in yours.

You just want to be with her to loose tract of time.
Life just wants to take it all way from you.
You may just be on the brink of insanity.
Shutting the world out, you take a step back.

Part of you was hers when you left.
Would you be able to get that back when you come back.
Part of you becoming a little stronger.
It may hurt when you fall, but you will fight.

The only reason why the road is long,
Cause it takes some time to become good and strong.
Hold on tight a little longer,
What is going to kill ya is going to make you stronger.

She is the light in the dark.
She is the wheels on the tract.
She is all heart no attack.
She is mine forever.

The more you take the less you have.
But she is always more then that.
Be the one that she needs.
Not the one she doesnt.

You were on a plane to out east.
Leaving her behind in the west.
There's others that have lead you like a northern star to her.
And you always wanted a southern girl anyways.

When you sing, she is the song you sing.
Sometimes it feels like there's a storm coming.
But she is the shelter to that storm.
You may need her for those moments of weakness.

She tells you that she loves you.
You know she does.
Just make a wish and blow out the candles.
You love her forever and always!

The True Love Story

You never know when or where you are going to meet your true love. There has been countless examples of true love throughout history. And deep down I just wanted to find it. The fact is, true love can be incredible. It is real and it can happen. Let's just say a real man never stops trying to show a girl how much she means to him, even after he has her. True love happens when she becomes more to you then you mean to yourself. True love happens when you not only want to be the sunshine of her life, but also when you want to be her moonlight, so that you can shine for her even in her darkest of times. True love happens when that moment she slips into your arms you are the closest to heaven you have ever been. True love happens when her lips touch yours; you know that you could maybe live to be 100, or visit every country, but nothing can compare to that moment when just enough sparks fly to tell you that this love would last forever. True love happens when you guys talk she not only completes you, but compliments you. True love happens when you know that you could not take one more step into the unknown future without her. Sometimes you just can't tell anyone how you feel about them, not because you don't know why, not because you don't trust this person, but because you know that you don't have the right words to help them understand. Understand the full spectrum. True love can often be like rocket science. And other times it can be the best thing that has ever happened to you. True love does not disappoint. True love isn't this sudden on set of feelings, but most definitely is ongoing process that unites oneself to another. I never could imagine what my world would be like if I didn't find what true love really is.

I guess it just all started when I broke my ankle in Africa. And you're probably wondering how breaking your ankle in Africa is connect to true love. Well let me tell you, they are in my love story. After breaking my ankle I came back home to America and found myself in a tough situation. I knew I needed to get a job so I wasn't sitting around the house. I wasn't really seeking one out. But when I ended up taking my sister and her friend to a burger place, well my life would change. I started working and that's when I met her. Honestly I was a little desperate at first, but I came to realize that something deep inside me was becoming attracted to her. And slowly she reeled me in. The night I realized I loved her was something else. I wish I could describe the feeling I felt but it's hard to put into words so that you may understand it. I guess that could be the rocket science part I'm talking about. That night I completely forgot about myself and she became more to me. The way she makes me feel is beyond anything I can explain. The future looks unknown to me, and I could not imagine a world without her. Sparks flew when we had our first kiss; Just the right amount to tell me that it would last forever. She is my sunshine and moonlight. She is my lighthouse. She is everything to me. She not only completes me but compliments me. I love her for her! We are not perfect. But together we will become perfect. That night she became everything to me, well the future became brighter. My life became happier. That is what True love feels like.

So True love is real. True love can happen. Go out and find that for yourself.

The Cowboy Life

The Fog is thick and the air is cold
My hearts all in so I've been told.
As I looked across that damp field,
The world all stops and my fingers chilled.

The smell of cows go up my nose.
But with my boots I cover my toes.
The cowboy life is just right here.
We have no fault we have no fear.

So open that pen, that cowboy said.
And before you know it you'll be in fed.
The bulls race out as you push em through.
Doesn't it feel great to be part of the crew.

Open that gate so they say.
It seems it's almost done the day.
A longs days work I'm tired now.
Off to the barn still smell like a cow.

Back home, now I'm done.
A long days work is always fun.
So you want to be a cowboy you say.
Just know you will have to work every day.

It's not easy to work this hard.
But you somehow just disregard,
All the fatigue and all the pain.
But know that it's not all in vain.

Being a cowboy is always worth it.
Just saddle up and show your grit.
It will all work out you'll kind the key.
Be the best that you can be.

The Starting Over

When you have a chance to look back over the past, you often come across things you never thought could happen. It feels like yesterday I was sitting in Africa on someone's couch. Now I'm sitting in South Carolina. With a broken ankle I left Kenya, and made my way back home to Utah. A few weeks at home, and I received surgery on my ankle. With a few ligament fixed, and bone chips taking out, I found myself in a new position. I found myself not knowing where to go. I either could go to collage, or I had the option to return on my mission. But what I didn't realize is that God really did have plans for me while I was at home. Was a girl in the plan...i guess so.

I took my sister and her friend to dinner one night. Called my best friend. And we went. We went to my sister's work place, and I met the manager. He said he needed some more people on the crew. So I decided to apply for the job, out of a whim. Well I ended up getting the job. It was amazing. I was hired on to be a manager in training. I got right into learning the perks of everything. And I loved it.

That's when I met her. Well this girl was very pretty girl. One of the managers at this job. I started to talk with her. Well trying to anyways. Considering I didn't know how to talk to girls, she was open to me. I think one of the first things I asked her, was if she was happy. And I felt like I should ask her that everytime I was with her. What I didn't realize then that I do now, is that she was starting to like me, and I was starting to like her. Well the rest is really history. I never would have thought I could fall in love so fast. And with someone like her. One thing that's amazing is she is so in tune with what I need, and she is everything to me. I love her so much. I want to spend eternity with her. I want to be able to be hers.

And so I started over. I began to change for the better. And I wouldn't go back to who I was. She has helped shaped me Into who I am today. And it's amazing!

Home safe.

I always knew that writing would just let me express my feelings. It has always just been a way out. You know, I never knew that I would come home early. I had dreamed so many times about the day that I would open my call to serve a mission. And when that day finally came, it was just crazy. I opened it just a little over a year ago, and that call would forever change my life. I was called to the Kenya to serve a 2 year mission. But I never knew that God had something else in plan for me. The following writings will come from my journal that I wrote as I was experiencing coming home.

April 25, 2017
Well after a entire day of waiting here I am. Sitting in the mission home. Very much might be the very last time here . To be totally honest with you I don't know if I will be back. I got results today that I will be going home. It will be hard but Im ready. There are a few things that I must face in going home. We are still waiting for the Flight plans but President Said I could be gone by next day meaning tomorrow night. So in less then 24 Hours I will be on a plane headed home...Im thinking about what happens when I go home. You know doing what is right is Hard. But  I think and feel and I will be ok. The next time I go to sleep will be in my own bed. I've been thinking about something tonight. There are so many things in life, I just did not see coming. The face2face being one of them. But when I hurt my ankle I think God said "Ok, what trial can we throw at Spencer." You know God knows, and always will know me. The emotions Grow Rapid as I think about the Past. If someone said I would be going home early when I first stared I would have said no way. 

April 26, 2017
This quote was placed in the place most needed. "If you are on the right path; It will always be uphill" -Elder Erying. You know this is not going to be a n easy task. Once again leaving everything behind. Going home starting a new. Let's just say that this path I am taking is uphill. I highly doubt though that I wont be leaving today. Well It is about 5:10, Wednesday I still don't know if I will be leaving today or not. The anticipation truly is going to be the death of me. My mind wonders and races as I think about the reunion that will come in the next few days. I never thought I would love or be addicted to reading. For in the last 5ish hours I have spent reading. Yester and today I have read and finished 2 amazing books. I guess IM doing so because I want the time of  just waiting to go as quickly as it can. I've been in the Mission home or not at work for just about a month now. Trying my best to cope with reality that God has another plan for me. Spending hours by yourself you kind of go Insane.

Well You could say that was indeed a Hard goodbye. But  I think I will return, I really don't know. But what I do know is that God is really in charge. The journey Home though is just simply a detour. I've been thinking just now about life. As I look around me I see people from all walks of life. A women with a nice head dress think, chewing gum. Two sisters ho are observing a little boy drink water from his cup. A girl that obviously is tired and doesn't like the seats. She lays on the dirty floor like she doesn't care. A white guy with long Brown Hair and tattoos on his arms listening to music or something. A pretty cute blond girl that obviously is a brunet but is pretty anyways. She has he legs crossed is wearing blue shoes and pink socks. And keeps looking at me. And then a dad, sitting in the back with his child laughing and tickling him. And then a white guy with brown curly hair walking out of the bathroom. He looks like Napoleon Dynamite.

April 27, 2017
The Plane is just floating above the horizon. Colors I've never dreamed of seeing span over the landscape. It's just about 5 o clock in the Moring here. I look around and everyone is asleep. It really Is a peaceful scene indeed. The man Next to me awake also. The sun is rising quickly as the cabin is slowly getting brighter. As I look thought the window at the horizon. The sunrises there and in my heart. Im going home. Really hasn't quite set in yet. The closer we get to Amsterdam the colors change. My heart feels empty. The memories of life fluid into my mind. I may very much be on a very long road, that seems to never end. At least I have this journal so  I can express my deepest of feelings. Im not ready to face my past. But It was something that must happen in our lives.....The time is slowly sleeping down.....

April 30, 2017
Well....Im home safe...Im still a missionary. I've been home for few days. The drama of life heats fast, as the family is coming together again after 3 years. Wow long 3 years and now we are back together. But....The drama of Engagements and an older brother with his wife moving out to North Carolina...So Here I sit on my chair in my living room. Im home...

Patience Is a Virtue Vs. Insanity

Many, many, many years ago, I was taught a very important principle. That I never new would take years to conquer. As a young boy, I didn't have a lot of patience. I was often hypocritical to others because I would tell them that Patience is Virtue, but I really didn't have it myself. Just a few weeks ago, I was once again tested on this point. I was playing soccer with a group of Kenyans, and I hurt my ankle. I fact it took me out of the game, which I didn't like in the first place. Well after several tests, doctor visits, x-rays, and a MRI. I got a result that I had a torn tendon, a contusion on a bone in the ankle, and effusion. It has not looked good for me at all actually. Its been about 4 weeks. I went to the doctor this week, and he said to me that I must start putting partial weight on it. In two weeks I should be able to put full. But in trying such, it caused a lot of pain. So now what?? What am I supposed to do. Well In Kenya, as a missionary, you walk everywhere. So all I have been doing is sitting in the mission office, doing things that missionaries don't do. I'm a very active person. For those who know me, they know that I can't stand just sitting around doing nothing. I must be out doing something. I you could say that Patience is something that I have really learned these past weeks. We have a mission president, who kind of makes the final call, of what will happen with me. But I still have not heard word from him. So I have slowly slipped into insanity. When you lapse into insanity, your mind goes places that it has never been before. Your body seems to break down. You have a longing for peace, but it just can not be found. You yearn for comfort but you can't find it. It truly is the hardest thing that I have done. That of just sitting around trying to cope with it all. May I add though, that I have been able to cope. There has been times where I have wanted to just punch a wall or something. But I have not because I know that God has been teaching me a lesson. A lesson about patience, much like the one President Uchdorf was taught. He said:

"When I was 10 years old, my family became refugees in a new land. I had always been a good student in school—that is, until we arrived in West Germany. There, my educational experience was a significantly different one. The geography we studied in my school was new to me. The history we studied was also very different. Before, I had been learning Russian as a second language; now, it was English. This was hard for me. Indeed, there were moments when I truly believed my tongue simply was not made to speak English.

Because so much of the curriculum was new and strange to me, I fell behind. For the first time in my life, I began to wonder if I was simply not smart enough for school.

Fortunately I had a teacher who taught me to be patient. He taught me that steady and consistent work—patient persistence—would help me to learn.

Over time, difficult subjects became clearer—even English. Slowly I began to see that if I applied myself consistently, I could learn. It didn’t come quickly, but with patience, it did come.

From that experience, I learned that patience was far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience required actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn’t appear instantly or without effort."

So Yes Patience is far more than simply aiting for something to happen. I know that to be true. I know that God directs us when we are patience. Just remember this: God cannot steer a parked car.